Just A Crazy Thought...

Is it crazy to want to go insane? You, the world, see them as lunatics, you judge them and laugh.

But I admire them.

It takes courage to give in to your thoughts, to leave them be and let them wander along their own mysterious course. It takes a valiant soul to meet emotion face to face in the arena of the so very unknowable mind.

Madness is like a sieve between you and the outside. Only the finer details reach your attention, while the so-called realities of life stay behind, unable to fall through.

You do not have a disregard for order & consequences. You are simply oblivious to them. There is no other moment for you except the present. Reference to any other is a programmed response to the regime of time, order & planning that reigns in our world.

Emotion is full-blast. No boundaries, no rules, no suppression. You feel exactly what you feel, as much as you feel it, at the exact moment you feel it. You fear and hate, love and admire, hurt, rejoice, ponder, despair, all with reckless abandon because you don't know the meaning of consummation. You are unaffected by the aftermath.

And yet there is a chaotic order to it all...

We try to control our every thought, action and emotion to all extents. I am not mocking selfdiscipline. I am simply suggesting the ultimate self discovery. For, what are we but mind and emotion? How can one know oneself if speculation is the basis of self portraiture?

They have seen the horrors and the heavenly pleasures that make up the essence of their beings. They are shunned because they know the truth.
Just as we, the wanderers and the inquisitors, are shunned and slandered by those who have yet to tear down the walls that surround and silence their souls.

Have To Get Past It...

Why is the past such an object of obsession? There is absolutely no way to change it, no way to relive it. Yet it rules our hearts and minds. We are (if I might be so forward) incapable of letting go of it.
As I sit here, with the sound of sad rock songs in my head, I go through it all again. I see the faces of long-gone friends. I taste the faded kisses of lost lovers. I am in other places and times, all at once. There where my face smiled and where my tears fell. Then when my soul soared and my heart was broken. The past folds itself around my mind like a cocoon, guarding me against any intrusion the present might make on my memories. I feel safe here because I have been here. Regardless of the scars, I have experienced it all and have come out alive on this end. I did not die.
The past gives us a safety net to fall into from time to time. There are memories that give us reason to cry when we are down, to lash out or argue on when we are angry, and to laugh when we are happy. Experiences in the past give us excuses (good, or bad) for our behavior. It is part of us. It holds the experiences that have moulded our opinions. It is who we were, part of what we are and will dictate who we become. The past is our map, giving us indications of where to go next.

Self-Preservation: The Human Condition

Your words to me just a whisper
Your face is so unclear
I try to pay attention
Your words just disappear

Cause it’s always raining in my head...
Forget all the things I should have said...

So I speak to you in riddles
Cause my words get in my way
I smoke the whole thing to my head
And feel it wash away
Cause I can’t take anymore of this
I want to come apart
Or dig myself a little hole
Inside your precious heart

Cause it’s always raining in my head...
Forget all the things I should have said...

I am nothing more than
A little boy inside
That cries out for attention
Yet I always try to hide
Cause I talk to you like children
Though I don’t know how I feel
But I know do the right thing
If the right thing in revealed

Cause it’s always raining in my head...
Forget all things I should have said
("Epiphany" lyrics - Staind)

The sun has long been asleep and the world has become silent. Tonight, like every night, I find solace in the dark. Today, like every other day, I will conclude with a feeling of melancholy. Like after every other day I take refuge in the night. Rock, nicotine, caffeine and words accompany me on my rendezvous with emotion.
The darkness provides a safe place where I dare open myself up. The light cannot accentuate my flaws now. The sun cannot shine on my tears. I can let my guard down because everyone is asleep, unaware of my fading smile. I can undress the armor from my soul because no one can dent it. The little child inside of me awakes from her day’s slumber, only to find the same chaotic heart as yesterday.

I revisit the day’s events, wondering all the time what the point behind it all was. I did not even do the effort to put on make-up today. Most of what I did today was to try to make myself feel better, and this realization makes me feel selfish and shallow. I tried to make people laugh because I was feeling uncomfortable with their angry faces. I shared knowledge with someone today because I wanted to be recognized. I made a snide remark toward someone today because I felt insecure deep down. I was friendly a few times because I did not want to be seen in a bad light. Most of my actions and thoughts today only served my personal purpose. I hope the good things I did left others with more than what I now realize I intended to give to them. I pray the bad things I did have gone unnoticed or have left all in its path unscarred.

I have tried to learn the art, but have not yet mastered it, of putting other people first and leaving myself behind until the sun has set. I try to push others into the sunlight so that I can stand in their shadows. Through hiding, the child inside of me cries out for attention, recognition, appreciation. The child inside of me begs me to find it through my efforts to disconnect. The more I try to run away from it, the more it controls me. I would do it if I could find a way to escape, a way to do what is right instead of what is convenient.

Last night I got a phone call from an ex-boyfriend/fling. I’d lie to myself if say I don’t feel anything for him. I just don’t love him. I love the control and freedom he grants me. I love how I feel physically, emotionally and mentally comfortable with him. I love how I know him inside out. I love how he doesn’t know me but reads me well. But I just don’t love him. I cannot keep him to myself because it would make me feel better.

I spoke to some far away friends too. I miss them. I miss my hometown, that feeling of familiarity. I miss walking around in the quiet streets at night, cold and alone but blissful in my conversations with God.
I miss my classmates, the new friends I have made since I have moved here. They have welcomed and accepted me in a way I could not have imagined. They have a vibe of comfort, and their everlasting optimism assures me that everything will be all right.

I’m finding it hard to write all of this. But I have promised to bare myself. I have started something I must finish. I have vowed to myself that I will take this chance, face this fear of being exposed. For some reason I feel like this is just something I have to do, not matter how terrified I am of it.

I wonder why we are all so afraid to show the world who we are. It’s easier to wear a mask than to get hurt. It’s easier to live knowing there is a safety net to catch us if something should go wrong. But are we all not the cause of our own fears? I know how I react to other people’s behavior. Do we not act so as not to arouse our own prejudices? Ultimately, we rarely feel ashamed because of what others think, but because of what we think they do. We do not trust other people because we are feel untrustworthy. We hurt other people because we don’t want to be hurt. We make others laugh because we want to feel happy. We don’t miss people because they would enjoy our company, but because we enjoy theirs. We do not feel for others because of how they feel but because of how they make us feel.Maybe if we could be our true selves and give others the platform to do the same without prejudice the fear and pain can be lessened.

Why The Intrigue?

I am a 20-year-old female studying journalism and media technology. These are my thoughts and my mind exposed.

Human thought and emotion have always intrigued me. We are 6 billion individual unique minds on Earth. But how similar are our thoughts, feelings, opinions...? We are all intrigued by other people's lives. The boom of reality television in the last decade has proven this. Gossip has been a human hobby since the beginning of time. The question remains: why???
I will use this blog to share my life and mind with the world in the hope of finding an answer to this question.

So what does "my life and mind" entail? Just that. My daily comings and goings, thoughts, emotions, opinions and experiences.

Feel free to post your comments on this page. It will be greatly appreciated. Join me in my journey to find out why we are so intrigued by each other's lives and what connects our minds.